Dear Choir Director,

I am sorry that I am more eloquent in writing than I am in person. I am quite awkward in person, to be honest. This is why I feel this letter needs to be written. Also, the fear of the conversation we were having today leading to noticeable tears because of my impending period was growing by syllable.   

So, yes, I have been tardy for class, both concert and swing choirs, every day this week. And yes, class does start at 11 which my excuse of sleeping in seem like a weak one. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here, my teacher. 

Remember that email from my mother a few weeks ago? About why I was missing so many classes? Because I had to schedule so many appointments and sessions of many psychological varieties? Because of my major depression and anxiety? Remember that email? Okay, now we are on the same page. 

And do not take me the wrong way at this point, Choir Director, I do not intend to be rude, but simply want to make sure that we are all filled in on the same information before I proceed to the key issue here. 

Well, major depression, you see, seeps into every aspect of your life. And my saying that I have not been sleeping well lately or ever was a little of an understatement. I have never slept well. And I can sleep for days if I ever feel so inclined. In fact, I missed a day of your class last week for that very reason. To just stay in bed all day long and relish it and maybe even ketchup and mustard it. 

I know that you cannot make many special accommodations in my honor, but understanding would be nice, which is something I feel I was not granted. The fact that you could understand sleep issues if class started at 7:30, but that it starts at 11 is a bit excessive. But here's the thing, Choir Director, when one is a depressive one can sleep for ever. The main reason I even get out of bed at all since switching all my classes besides choir to an online school is to simply go to choir. If it weren't for your classes there would be many more a PJ day in my life. And I would probably only get out of a lying down position to eat, pee, and maybe shower ever few days when it started getting annoying because, let's be honest, a truly homeschooled child is not going to shower every day. That's just a ridiculous expectation. 

I understand, Choir Director, that your concern and our conversation came from a good and caring place, but also a misguided one in my opinion. I have just as much a physical ailment as someone who would be late because they had to limp to class. Mine is just in my brain. And I do apologize for the behavior it gives me and the things it causes to do and how it causes me to act and most importantly to me, but I suppose not to you, feel. 

So, although I am hurt that you were not understanding of my ailment today I understand why. Because most people don't remember that one has depression after the first time one informs another. And it's not always on their mind as what the problem of the day may be. For depressives it is. It is always there. It is every part of me. It's like a cancer growing in every cell of my body. It's not going away, and I can't stop thinking about it, and I can't stop it from affecting me and therefore others. 

So I am sorry that I missed the first five minutes of your class every day this week because I have a constant urge to free myself from this life but am imprisoned in it by obvious reasons such as family duties and a life to live up to and whatnot. Also the fact that I'm not too good with blood is another contributing factor. And yes, those last few sentences were a bit bitter. But don't misinterpret any of the other sentences in this letter as being so. 

Sincerely, 

Kaylyn